It's On Me

There are lessons that we learn in life that upon learning them cause us to wish that we had learned them earlier.   There are times that we can look back at our lives and trace the development of our learning and see the milestones in the learning process but there are times that we don’t realize the learning that is taking place while we are in the midst of it.

This is not to say that even after our “aha moments” or our paradigm shifts that we quit learning.  However, as we learn and as we grow we can certainly see that we view things through a different prism.

The great lesson that has been made manifest in my life, which took me over fifty years to learn, is the matter of personal autonomy.  To say it in a more simple way it has taken me over fifty years to learn that I am in charge of me.

To learn this lesson I had to come to terms with the fact that while I am in charge of me; truly the only thing life that I can control is me.  I cannot control all of my circumstances.  The truth is there are things in life that in spite of my best efforts will still happen to me.  Even though I take a flu shot in the fall I might still become ill during flu season.  Though I may operate my vehicle in a careful and safe manner the drunk driver that I meet on the highway might still hit my car and end my life.  

Most importantly I have no control over the other people in my life.  Family, friends, acquaintances, even random strangers can impact my life and I have no control over what they do.  Can I try to influence them?  Sure I can.  However, ultimately I have no control over them.

            

What I can control is how I respond to other people.  Just as I have no control over the other people in my life, neither do they have any control over me.  My responses and my reactions are totally my own and for those I and I alone am responsible.

            

Thus, when I am wronged by someone, their behavior is inconsequential to me.  What is important is how I respond.  If I become angry, bitter and spiteful I have surrendered control of me to the one who did me harm.  However, if I respond with dignity, grace and forgiveness I have taken control of my life again.  My conduct is not dependent on the conduct of others.

            

Jesus teaches “If anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.” (Matthew 5:41 NRSV)  In the first century world a Roman soldier could compel a civilian to carry his gear for a mile.  If I carry the gear beyond the first mile then I am doing so because I wish to do so.  In going the extra mile I have reclaimed control of my own life.  So it is that Jesus has reminded us that I must never concede control over my life to another particularly to one who does me harm. 

Learning this lesson has also made me healthier emotionally.  I have come to understand that my emotions are my choice.  No one can make me angry.  My anger is my choice.  Even when my anger is justified it is my choice.  No one can make me sad.  Sadness, while real, is a choice that I make.  No one can make me feel guilty unless I believe that I am guilty.  My emotions are not determined by my circumstances but rather by my choices.

                

I understand that one can see that believing that I am in charge of me can be seen as problematic in some ways.  It could be construed as selfish.  However, I would counter that by saying that rather than being selfish, it promotes healthier relationships.  If I understand myself and my responsibilities for my emotional well being then I will not become dependent on others for to meet my needs.  Further, this will help me engage others in a healthier way.  By refusing to accept responsibility for their actions, I free myself from enabling any unhealthy behavior others might display.  This can only promote healthier interactions with others.

                

I also see that this could cause theological issues for some, particularly in an evangelical culture which often emphasizes “giving one’s life to Christ.” Some might ask, “How can I be in charge of me if I give my life to Christ?”

                

The answer to that is simply this: I cannot give what is not mine.  In Revelation 3:20 we find the familiar verse “Listen! I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to you and eat with you, and you with me.”(NRSV)  Notice nothing is said about the door being knocked down.  I have a choice about answering the door and letting the one knocking come inside.  My relationship with God is a choice. God is not a God of coercion.  God always gives me a choice.  Sometimes the choices are serious and the consequences dire but they are choices none-the-less.  

In the end, understanding that I am in charge of me has made me healthier and stronger emotionally, made me stronger spiritually and above all it has strengthened my relationship with Christ. This has been my journey.  The learning isn’t over but the joy is only beginning.